Fired! (Stories of December!)

2016 was a year of loss for me, I lost my sister, I got my first heart break…a very 'serious' one, I was broken for months. Looking back now, I think I was more angry than sad, angry at myself for loving wrong… whatever that means and the highlight of it all, I got fired!

First off, I wonder how in God’s name I got that job… a lecturer at 23, Dios mio! Of course, I was the youngest, a very opinionated millennial who felt entitled, with serious attitude issues and completely misunderstood. It’s a wonder I got fired after two years! 

I remember it clearly because my beautiful friend Mercy was getting married that weekend...I got fired on Thursday. Noticing her maid of honor was all down and discouraged, she called me to her place because she felt it was not good for me to be alone. Good call because, I was feeling so suicidal. With no family close, Mercy was the closest person I had...God bless her beautiful soul! 

I went through all the stages of grief, first I believed I was going to be called back, that my students would revolt, that they wouldn’t find anyone with my charm to replace me, I thought the department would collapse in my absence (shakes head in disgrace). 

Then I got angry…at everything and everyone, I mean how dare they get rid of a talent like me. I got angry at my students who I thought were very disloyal, I was mad at my head of department who I thought was always against me, I was angry at myself for not doing better…for being bitter and a no good! 

Weeks passed and I was not getting the call I was anticipating, so I decided… a very stupid decision by the way. I wrote a long message to the owner of the school, dumb, I know, but I thought maybe she would understand, maybe she would empathize…but she was a business woman running an empire, the whining of a mosquito outside the net wasn’t going to deny her sleep… the response never came!

Then naturally I went into depression, I have never felt more useless! On the surface I was this jovial, talkative Troka, but on the inside I was a rotting pile of flesh! Lord, the tears I cried in seclusion...I can still feel them burn my cheeks to date!

I somewhat managed to stay sane, I was young, talented and promising, so a door would open soon, Lord knows how empty those words sounded back then!. But I(still is ) was surrounded by strong women....women who have been through hell and back but still had a reason to smile, women who believed in me, and not to disappoint my sisters who literally raised me, I put on a strong face.

December was gone, and the busy January started, I came back to Nairobi, not sure how I would cope, but determined not to be the only weakling in a family full of fighters...with that attitude I started applying for every single job....qualified or not! 

February, March, April....nothing! I locked myself in my house, a house I couldn't even afford to pay rent for...hungry, tired, with an electricity bill that was soaring with every movie I watched! I felt useless...a fool who couldn't even keep a job let alone get hired! I dared not open up to anyone because I was told..."kuna watu wamekosa kazi miaka kumi...wewe yako si kitu." so because my problem seemed less...I kept all the uncertainty under tight lock! 

 I completely lost faith in God, I felt abandoned. I used to spend a lot of time in church....you know, pretending to be happy, helping out here and there...but hee! The more I prayed the more distant I felt to a breakthrough! Lord, that season was tough!!! 

Seven months later, my breakthrough came! That was 3 years ago, but I still remember how elated I was, I cried real hot tears, 1000 words could never describe my emotions! The next 3 years (which I will talk about vastly in my next post) were a very conscious period for me. I was too careful not to mess up because I didn't want to go through the trial again! I wish I had taken more risk then...but all happens for good if you keep your attitude in check!

In those 3 years there is a lot I wish I had done differently, but like I have come to appreciate lately, sometimes, we don't know what we are doing, but we do it anyway, and such is life!

 

Thanks for stopping by, stay positive!