Church made me a Lazy and Toxic Christian! (stories of December)

Disclaimer: This is my journey, it is in no way meant to insight or convince brethren to leave church!

I love...or should I say loved church, mostly for the right reasons, but along the way, I lost it and the church became a comfortable routine.

I told one of my friends " I don't want to identify as Christian anymore" and he gave me the " We have lost this one too" look, genuinely concerned he went on "out of the blues?...what happened? Do you need someone to talk to, I can give you the contact of my mentor"...and I get why he was concerned because if you know me, you know how boldly I embrace my Christianity!

I told him I am done with religion and I didn't want to feel boxed or restricted in one...if he is smart then he got what I meant, if not I, hope he stumbles upon this story someday. 

I have always had questions, we all do, but I didn't dare try to ask them because I wasn't sure  I was strong enough or ready to open the spirituality Pandora box. See there is a very thin line...almost invisible, between good and evil and if I wanted to start to explore spiritual matters, I figured I  better be ready because that's how some people lose the discerning of good and evil without knowing. 

Everybody has a trigger point and mine came without warning and so I had to face it ready or not I could not escape anymore, but before I delve further let me talk a bit about the trigger point.

I spent a huge chunk of my time in church, especially in 2020 when I quit when my 9-5, with a very flexible work schedule I had more time to do the things I loved doing and one of them was being in church doing whatever. I would even carry my work to church.

Familiarity breeds contempt and soon this proverb began to play out in my life. See being in the church gave me this sense of belonging and security. I was surrounded by like-minded people who believed what I  believed (mostly ) and also midweek services become a daily routine that I easily eased into.  My personal time with God began to diminish, I was surrounded by God stuff, I mean I was in church all the time anyway...and gradually the voice of God began sounding distant, it was so gradual I didn't even notice how far and fast I was drifting away and soon enough, I could not hear the voice anymore.

I started relying on other's revelation, the Sunday sermon which I didn't even concentrate on so much, I depended more on the interpretation of the word from other brethren, and truth be told I learned something new and profound every day from what others heard from God meanwhile my walk with God dwindled. but since I was nourished every day by new revelations, I didn't feel alarmed!

And it was in this state that I started my ill-fated relationship. "People" said he was the perfect man, a walking green flag in gen z lingua franca...and oh, I  bet they said the same about me and boy was they wrong, I don't know about him but me? Perfect? Lord have mercy!

We serve a good God, and everything works out for good for all those who are called to his purpose...it is in this relationship that I once again started seeking God for myself...and the more I spent time with God on my own the more all the green flags started turning crimson. I met a lot of "men of God" during the relationship, attended so many different services and churches courtesy of my fiancé,  and the things I experienced including and not limited to indecent sexual advances, some of the teaching and the justification of the vile acts got me thinking...is the church a safe place?

The very men of God who were supposed to shepherd the sheep were literally slaughtering and eating the sheep instead. I wanted out! 

Long story short, after weeks of prayer, fasting, consulting with family and crying me a river... I finally got the courage to walk away... but deep down I knew I would never look at Christians the same again! By no means was this the first time I encountered such an unfortunate incident...but it was the first time a man of cloth did it in my presence and I was a victim!

Disappointed and dejected, obviously depressed, I moved to Mombasa in late 2021 in a bid to start afresh. I felt sad saying goodbye to a few close people but I knew if I wanted my sanity back, I had to. I was addicted to church and the moment I got to Mombasa of course I started looking for a new church. In my confused state finding a church, and a new community to belong to was a priority. 

Three churches later, I found one that felt like home, it reminded me so much of my previous church and I was happy! I signed up for the new members' orientation class, joined the media team and I was on my way to the praise and worship team next... I was home! Little did I know that the fact that that church felt familiar would be the very reason I could not last long!  

Three or four Sundays later, I felt as if my old life was slowly resurfacing and I was more confused than I was before, instead of finding answers I had more questions... and just like that, I called it quits and stopped going to church completely. Friends, this is when a lot of things started making sense and God dealt with me squarely! 

I wish I had better pictures!

I always thought I was a good person, I mean I prayed, read the word, went to church every day, was part of the praise and worship team, I did not curse or watch porn or fornicate, I was good, right? Wrong! I was religious, I did those things because I thought they made me good...and we all know it's not by power or might. I loved the title "Christian"  because it automatically made me feel superior to the next person. I thought I was better than a lot of people and though I did not say it out loud I judged and condemned people in my mind!

I silently judged and hated people who left the church, when I held the mic to sing, half of the time I sang songs because I could sing them and I had the voice... it had very little to do with the Holy Spirit. Emotions were felt alright, tears were shed alright...but worship is not about emotions but rather a broken and contrite spirit! I was proud, arrogant, unnecessarily loud, and very wrong... my toxic trait was thinking I was better than everybody else because of the title "Christian."

I cried hysterically: tears, runny nose, sore throat and all, seeing my heart the way God saw it was heart-wrenching!  I was embarrassed, I did not know how to face let alone talk to God, for months, I did this hide-and-seek game with God...futile, he is everywhere! Even as I write this, I am still hiding from shame, but God is patiently teaching me more and more about how to be a child. Forgetting all titles, to God, I am not a Christian or a praise and worshipper or Tracee wa media... I am simply a child, freed, forgiven, redeemed unconditionally loved, child of God, follower of Yeshua Hamashiach... and that is why I don't identify as a Christian anymore!

I was on a sinking ship, but I am slowly finding my way back, riding the rising tides, bravely enduring the storms, staying courageous in the roughness of the sea, and still finding the voice of truth in the midst of the howling winds! Not at all flustered because I know who is behind the wheel!

If you told me a year ago that I would find so much peace beyond the church, I would not even let you finish that statement, but now finding God outside the church, relying on nothing but the holy spirit and his words is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life. I have a community of people like me, mutual who keep me on toes, mentors like Joel Sikha, Pricilla Shirer, Pastor T...and many more- God sent!

I am learning to love the God way, relying fully on the guidance of the holy spirit, listening, observing, and simply being bubbly, creative, noisy, and annoying me. Not boxed by religion or a title, praising, worshiping every second of the day, not blinded by some one else interpretation of the bible... I am liberated! 

I will go back to church someday... I don't know when, but when I do, my spirit is alert, my mind is conscience and my heart is full of love!

                              Thank you for stopping by

                                  Keep it real!