Reset! (Stories of December)

It's week two of December  2022, by now I  should be writing the second story but here we are. This first one was a struggle! My mind has a myriad of ideas I want to put out but I am not sure what order to use. While other writers probably struggle for lack of content here I am struggling because I have too much …go figure!

There is a blackout and boy! I never thought there would be a day power outage would make me this excited. Since I can't do anything else anyway, so write I will. This introduction is rather wordy but fret not, it will make sense as we go along!

Been going through the blog notes I keep throughout the year to find an opening but they are all so depressing…all of it! Makes me wonder is pain my only muse? Come to think of it... On days that I am happy the last thing on my mind is picking up pen and paper, and judging by the size of the notes…it must have been a really sad year!

I did a four-part series dubbed the "love conversation" as an effort to understand love, still obviously hurting from a broken engagement (read the story here) and I realize you can't speak love without God, God is love…any other definition is pure bluff!

In the process, however, I started questioning my faith…I even stopped going to church because a lot of things were not just adding up, I can't dare talk broadly on this yet because as much as I still believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, nothing about it is cut out straight, a journey of discovering God outside the church is not something you take lightly.

Seeking a deeper understanding of God opens your eyes to endless discoveries including your toxic habits....you know things like reasons why that co-worker drives you nuts…hehe! In my case I found out why I still see a big number of my ex colleagues still meet up, invite each other to functions, create WhatsApp groups and basically belong to a community long after they stopped working together…and yet I was the only one left out! Was I such a horrible person? Damn!

I may never know why I was left out but from that, I learned, most times whatever you love most can effortlessly be the very reason why you annoying the hell out of people! This realization hurts like crazy because you can't help but wonder how many times you were a total pain in their behinds unknowingly. I found myself playing and replaying conversations  in a bid to find just how annoying I can be and the more I did the more horrible I felt!

Of course, the next step was trying to do something about it, but you see this thing is part of me and to behave contrary to that is to become a diluted version of myself. Bummer! Analyzing and overthinking every word before I open my mouth but somehow I still ended up messing things up…I felt stuck, with this personality that I was trying to hide, but could not really control!

This realization plus many others that I might not talk about plugged me into a dark hole of self-loathing. I didn’t like the person I was. I got into a very ugly rut, outside I was happy laughing, editing, and creating content, but deep down I was a broken mess!

I found an excuse sometime in August to go home, I feel safe where I am currently, but when I am home, I feel completely invincible! I wanted to finally pull down the mask and cry out in, my mum's warm embrace or dad's steady hands, but the moment I got home and saw how proud and happy they were to have me around I had to put the mask back on…putting on a brave face yet I was crushing!

I got on mum's nerve for the two weeks I was home because I was always on phone either laughing at some silly TikTok  or deeply engrossed in an Asian drama (mostly Chinese because I am trying to learn the language) That was my escape route, at least for an hour or two my mind was was in a place controlled by the director's lights, camera, action call... fake to the last second but it was an escape alright!

Learning new things and unlearning things you've sworn upon all your life is tough…you need to be doughty! Most time I had no clue what I was doing but I kept doing something…and it bore fruit. Clearly, because I survived somehow.

I understand God and myself more than I did in January, the secret is balance, find a balance of being true to yourself without encroaching on other people's spaces. I still slip one or two times but I take it with a pinch of sugar instead hehe...and being patient with myself!

I talk a lot, like really a lot and that can be annoying- I know. Growing up (and even now)   I constantly heard "you talk too much", "oh shut up", "stop shouting",  "gosh, you are so annoying"…I shrink every time I hear these words. I might not show it but something dies inside every time. 

I got fed up this year and I said enough is enough…I started looking for ways to avoid people or circumstances that would make me feel irksome. I started creating distance, so if you notice I am being too quiet and polite around you, it's  distance I am creating, a protective fence that allows me to be true to myself without pissing you off!

One reason why I love video editing so much…is because it allows me to shout, talk tell stories to express myself as much as I want without being told to shut up…and guess what, people are listening! Because one thing I stand by is…nothing should ever mute this chatterbox, when one channel collapses, I will find another one!

This is all over the place, but watch out for Stories of December 2, promise it will be more organized *wink*

                        

                        Thank you for stopping by;

                          Keep it real always!