YES, I DON’T, RUNAWAY BRIDE. (Stories of December)

Photo by Ron Lach from Pexels

This first story might rub off some people in a very bad way, but things have to be said…else I will explode! First off I am never going to judge relationships…or should I say situationships, or anything in that caliber with my little unexposed opinionated brain because I found myself in the exact position and I almost couldn’t find my way out!

He came in a package I couldn’t ignore. Picture perfect, sharply dressed (it was always a fitting suit),gentle with an ever present smile, confident gait, confident diction, old school vibes (I was born in the 90s so…) and my pastor had nothing but good things to say about him and later, everybody I met always mentioned how exceptional he was, so why  the hell would I say no to his proposal, which came in a month after we met!

First red flag I ignored because why would anyone say no to a stellar dude like him! I mean everybody said he was good, so he had to be good…I wanted him to be because now the wedding plans were along the way…just like that, one moment I am single planning to travel to Asia and the next I am getting married to a guy I didn’t quiet know…but people said he was good! My friend Chris was so super excited and Linet even shed a tear…I a mean, this was a fairy tale someone like me can only read in novels!

Things were moving too fast, in a blink we had introductions, next blink we are talking wedding dates, next blink the dowry was paid…all this time I am not even sure what in heaven’s name I was doing… I felt like a sheep on a leash with no sense of direction. I took part in the planning, I agreed with dates, I picked color themes, I talked about entrance songs, I checked out venues…you know like a bride would do…but now if you ask me, all I remember was being either confused or depressed in the entire planning process!

People told me it was normal…that every bride goes through that …but in my head none of those confused, angry, depressed feelings felt normal. So I thought I was weak minded, if every bride felt the same way and still managed to dress in white and dance the whole reception away, why was it so difficult for me, why did the whole process feel so wrong when I had the perfect guy, loved and approved by all!

Then, I had a big fall out with my sisters over my rush and not involving them enough…this is huge because I can barely do nothing without their approval. Call me fickle minded but if my sisters told me to sell everything I own and move to Antarctica…I wouldn’t hesitate! So I badly needed them in the most important day of my life (important because happy was out of the question by now)  yet one by one they withdrew their support, and even if they supported, it was merely because I was their small sister, and that’s not the kind of support I wanted!

So I went on a seven days fasting and a prayer, which was a bit challenging because my friends Jose and Beth kept forcing me to eat because I looked weak…but what they didn’t know, was the weak I felt was not something I could get rid off by mere food! I did pray though… a lot! The first two days I cried to God to remove the negative thoughts because he was the best I would ever find…I mean when he went down on his knees I literally had no reason to say no, no matter how I much I looked at the situation, the second thing I really cried for was my sisters approval… I wanted them to accept him so bad…but even as I made those prayers, the heaviness in my heart grew stronger…and all I could think of is… I don’t want to get married!

The first time I heard myself say those words my voice sounded foreign…the voice was mine alright, …but why? Why did the thought of getting married barf me so bad …I mean, the guy is good, Troka, everybody thinks so too, but why are you doubting it!

So on the third day I changed my prayers…instead of asking for specific things, I prayed for God's will! I remember repeating one sentence over and over again… Please God, don’t let me make a decision I will regret! By the seventh day it was as clear as crystal…… I simply didn’t want to get married anymore. I went crazy with that realization… I cried… a lot, not out of sadness, but because I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t have the courage to do it.

I mean for what possible reasons would God put me in such a tight spot… I was angry, and disappointed because it felt unfair, God you know the reasons and I don’t…its me whose life is about to be shattered, why keep the reasons to yourself!!! Why!!!

My answer came in the most unexpected ways…its like I got a 3rd eye, a lot of things started making  sense, a lot of signs and red flags I just didn’t see or had chosen to ignore begun to play so vividly before me, like  I was watching a movie, so uncannily vivid it scared me! I might not get into details because this article is not meant to demean someone's son and I also don’t trust myself to give an unbiased account of things…so forgive me for giving very vague reasoning at this point. But the  whole wedding or marriage thing felt so wrong beyond a doubt I could not proceed!

I put on a strong fight… I negotiated, renegotiated, reasoned, explained got misunderstood cried, fell sick at some point but when I felt my voice was not being heard…I made a decision that still haunts me to this day… I called off my wedding, 3 weeks to the day!

I don’t know the version of his story because I never got a chance to hear it, and I also don’t know how the whole situation affected him, so I can't say much…but on my end, it broke me to tiny little pieces that I am still trying to piece back together hoping against hope that I will be able to put together something right! At some point, I hated him…but I realize hate is such a heavy emotion that I don’t want to carry, at some point, I regretted every meeting him, but lessons had to be learned and I have no say in choosing  the practical tests…I occasionally stalked his social media to see…well, have I been replaced yet hehe! But even that I don’t do anymore, the tears have reduced as well, I no longer wait for a message or a call from him…in short, gradually and steadily I am healing!

I wish I had like a banger closing remark like I always do in my articles, but, that’s all for today  guys!

 

Thanks for stopping by, have a positive holiday!