HAPPILY BROKEN.

Dedicated to all those who feel they are not important!

Here I go again, trying to define me. I think this is the hundredth time am asking myself this same question…who am I…or should I say, what am I? Yesterday I thought writing defines me, well does it? When I don’t have the courage to write all my feelings, when I care so much about what people will say about my articles rather than why am writing in the first place.

I write about change, see change requires a lot of things but in my short life, I have come to realize honesty summarizes it. Real change can only occur when we are honest, first to God, to man and most importantly ourselves. When we find courage to speak up what we truly feel, to own up to our own actions, only then can real change be achieved.

That’s what I try to advocate for, but is it fair that I expect people to be honest when am not, preaching water and drinking wine?

What happens if they discover the self proclaimed over confident indispensables is actually a scared little girl who is insecure about everything…would they-would you, take my writing serious?

I love singing, music gives me this feeling…the kind you feel when drinking hot cocoa in a cold afternoon, satisfaction, ecstasy…. I can’t just describe the feeling but what I can say is that I feel most alive when am singing (and of course writing),music defines me, sad truth is I have never gotten a chance to share this fulfilling feeling with people. Not in church, not in school, not even in funerals. Everywhere I go there is either this person who sings better than me, or the schedule is so busy I don’t get the chance or nobody just believes I can really sing.

I thought my family defines me, but sometime I feel I don’t even deserve the kataro name.

let me tell you something about the kataro sisters and brother, they are the strongest people I know, (and I have met many people)their lives stories always inspire me. Strong is not exactly the name you would use to describe me, I loss faith faster than all of them and I cry more than any of them.

Then there is God. for a long time I have always known he defines me (actually he does) but then, do I even qualify to be called godly, I mean, just because I read the bible everyday and quote a couple of scripture and say halleluya louder than any other person in church, does that make me godly? Like my family, I disappoint him too, with my lies, my shaking faith, my complains and worse my reluctance in spreading his joy and love. Sometimes I wonder do I even deserve all I have, including my life.

For a moment I feel like dropping it all, drop it all, stop writing, stop singing and I tell myself I deserve no mercy from God, just stop doing it, no one will notice even if you do! A hot tear threatens to fall down my cheek. Emptiness engulfs me and I feel I just want to quit, quit everything.

Okay that’s it, enough self pity, and sounding as if the whole world is against me! Who cares if it is! You know, just because things don’t turn out the way we expect them doesn’t give us a right to stop living!

Your life is far much important than you and your dreams that didn’t work out! Romans 8:28 everything works for good to those in Christ Jesus, and psalm 18:30, Gods ways are perfect. Don’t stop living for anything.

Because of that I wont stop writing, weather it defines me or not, if I feel it, I will say it- or in this context,write it- I will continue singing, in the shower on the road...anywhere I can. I wont stop believing in God, doesn’t matter what I feel or don’t feel I deserve. Gods love doesn’t change however broken I feel. Maybe I was not meant to be complete, and the best thing I can do, is to live happily broken.