Elusive love_Why we broke up!

He came in a package that I wouldn't otherwise look at twice but because of the pressure from within, the uncertainty of tomorrow I gave in, that's where the tug of war began.

A push and pull between logic and emotions. The heart wants what it wants but my head told me otherwise.

I searched for reasons to stay but the more I did, the more I found reasons to leave.
I fought against my conscience, my believes and convictions. I went against my standards and principles to fit him in and every time I felt a little part of me die.


After a little while, the excitement I felt with the thought that he might be the one turned into disappointments. All of a sudden everything about him repulsed me,his jokes became offensive (I think they were from the beginning, I just chose to ignore) every conversation became a battle that none of us was willing to back out of and the thought of him made me cringe...in short, for those four months, I was miserable!

I said things I didn't even believe myself, but hey...at least I had a boyfriend!

I hated the fact that I started doubting myself more and more as the vision he painted of me became more prominent than the knowledge of who I was...who I am.

I gradually begun losing myself, trying to fit all his likes  and dislikes into my daily schedule, because the thought of going back to being alone scared the bejeebers  out of me. So I willed my tears back, ignored the silent warning bell and held on... thinking that maybe, just maybe if I took it one day at a time, it would be worth it, but it only got worse!

They say ( I don't know who) the person you love is the true reflection of yourself, yet when I looked into his eyes, I hated the reflection that stared back at me!

Part of me told me I was the problem, that people like me were destined to be alone forever, that I was too demanding and too disillusioned...could I really be the toxic one?

I wondered often times than never how I never saw this ugly side of me...and I fell into a sea of condemnation, where I condemned all my actions and reactions...everyday losing a bit of myself to the guilt.

Then one day I exploded! All the pent up emotions...I found my way to a church, the first one that came to sight (consolata shrine, Westlands)  and I have never cried as much as I did that day!

For a whole hour, the tears kept falling and falling... with each drop, I felt my strength being restored, my peace return, and as I  walked out of that church that day...I knew one thing for sure...I am never going back to that hole!

Now that I have had time to reflect it all, deep down I know he was not the problem... neither of us was.

The only mistake we made was trying to force our ways down each others throats and the moment we noticed it wasn't going our way, we became defensive and in the process we hurt each other.

looking back now I realize we should never have started it in the first place, that we we should never have ignored the nagging questions we had in the beginning...maybe we let our unresolved emotions destroy any chance of a perfect friendship!

But then again...I can only speak for myself!

Thanks for stopping by:
Be positive!