I AM NEVER ALONE.

Darkness engulfs the air occasionally illuminated by the bright headlight of vehicles as they pass the narrow road. The shadows are now more pronounced and appear to move with the cars. The leaves in the trees beside the path am walking on gently sway in the evening breeze, cold yet so comforting, I pull on my sweater to cover myself from the breeze that is equally comforting and disturbing.

A rowdy matatu driver passes me sparing my feet by an inch as he rushes to beat the evening traffic. I gently curse under my breath and adjust my earphones, the only clear sound in my ears is the song, ‘hold my heart’ by tenth avenue north and the rhythmic sound of my plastic sandals on the half constructed dirt road. My feet are dusty thanks to the month old dry spell. I lift my head slowly to look at the surrounding motorists waiting lazily for the traffic to move as the passengers in their own preoccupied minds peer out. I see all and I notice all yet my mind is far far away somewhere even I cannot explain. A dusty whirl wind suddenly blows and I struggle to hold my flare skirt in place and shielding my eyes from the dust, to my relief the wind passes and I notice the two women walking rather too fast try to do the same. I smile as I relate the situation to a past day when a smartly dressed lady had her dress lifted to her face leaving the lower part of her body uncovered, to the fascination of rowdy looking football playing boys.

 I sign with relief as my now familiar neighborhood comes to sight. I notice a somewhat fresh potholes on the road as I cross in front of a brand new Subaru impreza, “lucky chap,” I thought as I looked with envy at the occupants who I dint really get to see.

A sickening feeling hits my tummy, very strange fear grips me, and my heart starts beating faster with each step I take. I dread to reach my cozy humble abode as I sometime refer to it. As I draw closer and closer to the grey gate passing people that I don’t care to notice and the caretakers sitting in their vantage watch area, the emptiness increases a sadness I cant understand, my hands become sweaty and my eyes twitch. My lips start shaking. To keep them steady or to ease the speed of the butterflies flying in my head, I don’t know for which reason but I start singing along to the song that was now repeating for the fifth time.

I reach for my keys as I entered the gate. My slippers my two buckets and a neat doormat just as I had left them meet me. Closing my single window I get in to be met by the sight of my comfortable cozy bed covered with faces of the stars of the famous movie high school musical. I stand and look at my bed as if I was seeing it for the first time yet I sleep on it every day and just that morning I made it. I lingered on the face and the disturbing fact that they would be the faces I see before I sleep and the first faces will see when I wake up in the morning loneliness engulf me, I drop on a plastic seat, kicked out my sandals I reach to remove my earrings, chains, then my watch if I gently  lay them on the stand that held my TV set. The earlier feeling now multiplying.

I am tired, tired of coming home to nothing new, same condition as I left everything, tired of coming to a lonely room I have called home for over a year now. Reminding me how unsatisfying my current job is, how far my family is, how unreliable friends can be, how boring my life is…. But just before I start complaining before I open my mouth, I catch sight of my green covered  NIV bible and all my worries start to wash off, I smile as I reach out and open the book of psalms 139, and as I read peace, peace I had not felt the whole day fill my heart. I immediately I realize am not alone, the headache stops the sadness wares away the fear disappears and joy comes over me. A realization dawns on me, no matter how bad things may be, no matter how many disappointments I face, no matter how alone I think I am, I have a reliable friend, an ever present friend who is ready to help me carry all my burdens. As I got to bed, with a sure peaceful night awaiting me, for sure I knew one thing, I am never alone.